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I have become acquainted with a number of international married couples,
some with no age differences (within a couple of years) many with moderate
age differences (5-15 years, either way) some with larger age differences
(over 15 years) and even a few with extreme age differences.

What seems to be more significant, in my experiences, are differences in
personality and culture. Many of the younger couples with little or no
difference in age seem to fail because of mismatched personalities,
unrealistic expectations, conflicting goals, commitment issues, et cetera
.
The same problems as couples of the same nationality or culture.

One fairly common fault, regardless of age, is what I call culture clash.
Neither partner has a realistic knowledge of the other culture and neither
is willing to make compromises for the other, or one expects the other to
make all the changes while unwilling to make changes.

Another common fault is that of not being honest  with each other - not
necessarily with an intent to deceive, but often with an intent to be
compliant - saying or doing as the other wants while not feeling it or even
going against ones own character. After the honeymoon phase wears off, and
the true feelings come out, the incompatibility becomes obvious.

I have met many more successful couples, who often take time to learn about
the other culture and find real compatibility before marriage, while being
adaptable to make changes and compromises for the sake of the marriage.
Again, common to any marriage.

It seems to me, it is common to approach an international relationship as if
common sense does not apply, or to look at the relationships of others as if
to define success or failure from external facets. No age differences 3D
success, significant age differences 3D failure. And most of these issues are
not new.

Perhaps Hollywood has promoted the notion of teenagers marrying teenagers
and everyone being within a year in age, like in the Disney film
“Pocahontas” wherein they made Pocahontas a bit older and John Smith much
younger.

In many other countries, greater age differences are not an issue. I have
become acquainted with many young women abroad who either believe younger
men cannot be serious about lifelong commitment or they have firsthand or
secondhand experience (married to a man her age who gave her a child and
bailed). So, now they seek someone more serious and better established, to
provide stability for her and her child.

I have met several men who were traveling abroad in search of a young wife
for unrealistic or inappropriate reasons - someone to use and control,
taking advantage of desperation and willingness to trade one hell for
another, perceiving the new hell to be more tolerable, or someone naive
enough to fall for lies about his wonderful life until she arrives and finds
herself captive in a remote setting. Not theoretical - these men were real
and proud of their intent.

One man, about 50, boasted that he had told his bride to be that he was 32
(she was 19) and that he lived a mansion (he lived in a cabin over 10 miles
from a small town) and that she could go to college and have her career and
her own car (nearest “college” about 50 miles and only his truck for him to
drive). In his mind, she would adjust to the real life and learn to love him
while never seeing anyone other than him. And she was not to know her fate
until after he drove her home from the airport.

This was prior to Indel King and Timothy Blackwell who murdered their
foreign brides and inspired legislation to require background checks of men
petitioning for bride visas (since 2005). I had no way to warn her, but he
did not look a day under 40, dyed hair and all, so hopefully she did not fall for it.

On the other hand, a 60 year old man married a Thai girl of 18, and they
were blissfully happy, with no children. He told her the truth about his
retirement income and studio apartment in a medium city (still a big step up
for her) and his dislike of Thai food, which she could do for herself, as
long as she made American food for him. He did not mind her having Thai
friends, as long they never spoke anything but English around him. No hidden
agenda, no unspoken expectations, and mutual respect. But his neighbors were
appalled.

In my own relationships, I do not look at age difference or similarity as a
primary issue. I look at personal compatibility. I hate to say it, but I am
somewhat distrustful of exceptionally attractive girls, having had several
bad experiences wherein they choose me and keep looking for the BBD. I have
rarely met a woman of similar age who has similar tastes, goals, interests,
temperament, humor, desire, and so on. Most of those who have been
compatible were at least 10 years younger. My present girlfriend is 15 years
younger.

But I have found only temporary compatibility with girls much younger. They
usually find me interesting until the novelty wears off, or they expect me
to behave as a much younger guy, and then they gradually lose interest. We
have a good time, but it goes nowhere in the long run. Still, I am quite
flattered when a younger lady shows interest. However, I would not trade a
reasonable chance for a lifelong relationship for a girl who is sure to be a
short term thrill.

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• More on International married couples: Age Gap discussion

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